All's Fair in Love and Hatred
by xLawlietx
Summary: No one intended for their emotions to get this far ahead of them. After all, it was a given that it would only bring pain and heartache from the start, feelings that the boys of South Park knew so well. Angsty Pre-Kyman with one-sided Cutters, Style and Bunny.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: In a nutshell this is Kyle and Cartman's internal conflict about their emotions for each other, because let's face it, who doesn't love a piece of insight into the twisted passion that is their relationship? There's a reference to the events of the episode 'Smug Alert' so it would probably help if you've seen it but if you haven't you can still pretty much understand the story.**

**_"Love is a reciprocal torture" – Marcel Proust_**

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><p><strong> Kyle<strong>

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><p>Once you hate someone there's no going back. You let the anger and unjustifiable rage take over as it shoves all chance to feel anything else for that person out of the way and fills the space they left, so how can love be any different? How can it possibly be spared from the merciless wrath of hatred when nothing else is?<p>

Simple; It can't. But yet by some unholy miracle it still slipped through the cracks of my hatred somewhere along the way. Maybe it was always there, slowly beating away, the heart of this big ugly monster of detest I hold for the fatass.

But why did I have to notice it? Why did I have to realize that every time he spoke to me my heart fluttered just a little more wildly? Why did I have to give in to every fight he obviously picked with me when I knew it would just egg him on further? Why did I have to hate that stupid smug smirk of his so much that it drove me to near insanity?

Because though I often wished aloud that he would disappear from my life, I knew I didn't truly want that. I would protect him from harm as long as I could. Hell, I risked my life saving him from drowning in some cave once. And I know I'd do it again.

Why would I? I can't completely answer that nor any of my other questions to be honest. I just know that Cartman's obnoxiously permanent presence in my life somehow matters to me, and I couldn't cope without him there, even if he was constantly ridiculing me.

And he's an idiot anyway. What would he do without me? He fucking froze himself, went to Somalia, got AIDS, the works. How could I not worry about his stupid safety?!

But could I truly hate him if this is how I feel? If this is how I feel could it… maybe even mean I love him? Is my heart trying to tell my brain something I'm oblivious to?

No. I must hate him.

Love and hate are two sides of the same coin, the coin of madness. It's impossible to flip and get both sides. Once the coin has landed it has landed. I know that much.

Our coin landed oddly though, not flat as gravity predicts. It hit the ground of my feelings standing upright, perched on a balancing point. That's how I feel when I'm around him. Like it's all a balancing act and I can't let him see me fall for him, because I know there's no net waiting to catch me if I do. When I do….

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><p><strong>Eric<strong>

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><p>Fine, I'll admit it. I'm an asshole, a jerk, a cancer, I'll even go as far as to call myself the equally selfish and manipulative male version of Barbara Streisand for crying out loud, but it's not my fault. Everyone else made me like this. It's all <em>their<em> fault.

I tried. I tried to fit in, to be 'kewl', to be likeable but no one seemed to care. At school they all ignored me, pretended I wasn't there, just a fat lump of an eyesore in the class. And at home my mom was too busy with some random guy in her bedroom than to spare me the time of day. I was still young when it became too much for me. The indifference penetrated me to my very core. It twisted me, changed me. It left me eternally hungry for attention, good or bad.

And he gave it to me. He retaliated the most when I threw words at him; jinger, greedy, soulless, Jew, 'Kahl'. He ate them up and spat them back at me. He always had something to respond with, always something to say to me. Whilst everyone else sat in silent detest, he lashed out at me, gave me the acknowledgement I longed for. I lived for each insult he labelled me with. Because without him I was nothing but a shadow.

It hurt me though, how he gave his attention to Stan without any provocation in the slightest, while I was trying so hard to earn it for myself. Stan always got in the way. I think he was one of the factors that drove the Jew and me apart; every time that blue hatted hippy left Kyle alone we seemed to grow closer. But that always shattered when Stan returned, he always returned to Kyle without fail. Jealousy was a common ally of mine in those times.

Sure, they were just 'super best friends' but I meanwhile didn't know anyone I could hope to call a 'best friend' or even just a friend. Kenny and I were often grouped up but there was no real bond there and we both knew it deep down. And while Butters often spent his time with me, he didn't give me the same reactions my subconscious endlessly hungered for as _him. _I don't even know why Butters wasted his time around me, I treated him like shit but he was ever present like a lost puppy. We weren't friends, I was merely someone who he let control him and I took advantage of that, wouldn't you?

No, Kyle was the closest thing I had to such a thing as a friend, albeit our relationship was never exactly amicable, but he had Stan and nobody had me. It hurt to know that I wasn't the only person he wanted. That I wasn't the only person he _needed._

I never exactly knew when my subconscious had placed the green hatted dork on such a high pedestal in my life but it was when he first moved away to San Francisco with his annoying jew family that I first realized how much he meant to me. I acted as you would expect at first, happy to see the back of him, I even threw a goddamn party to celebrate! But Stan knew. Stan knew long before me that I'd miss Kyle. That my life was "empty and hollow" without him, and it took me a while to understand just how true those words were, but when I did it hit me hard.

I tried to ignore it, I used Butters to fill the void. But as I have said before, despite Butters following my every order like the suck up he was I still felt lost and frustrated. I _needed _Kyle to come back to me. And when I heard about the smug storm that was going to hit I decided to go and get him myself. Because who would I be if the one person I craved was gone forever? I couldn't let him die, not for him, for me.

I never intended for my emotions to get this far ahead of me. I hated Kyle, because that's what brought him closer to me. Loathing only made me want him more. I wanted to spend every minute of my life detesting him if that meant he in turn would think about me just as much. I craved his hatred, because that's all he gave me, always negative yet always reliably there. Beggars can't be choosers after all but if he… if he gave me love instead of hatred would I crave it just as much? Would I return it just as much? And if I gave him my own love, would he do the same? Would he even want it?

No, that would leave a chance of rejection and I can't have him leave me, because he is all I have and all I need. I'd be empty without him, his reactions give me purpose. Hatred is safe, hatred is secure. Love is a complicated monster who would only serve to mess up whatever screwed up thing I have with him.

Will I ever cure this twisted obsession I have for him? Signs point to no.

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><p><strong>AN: Oh god, what kind of monstrosity have I written? Oh well, I've posted it for you guys to judge now... This is a two-chaptered fic by the way and in the next chapter we'll get to see Stan, Butters and Kenny's points of view. I'll be posting it in a matter of days. I'd love to hear what you think so please review :)<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: If you haven't realized by now this isn't exactly a happy fic... I don't know why but angst is just something I write a lot of despite feeling terrible for torturing such loveable characters. But if you enjoy this kind of thing or have any criticisms or thoughts I'm open to hearing your reviews :3**

**Love is the most cruellest form of affection and the most sweetest form of torture - Unknown**

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><p><strong>Butters<strong>

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><p>I'm invisible to him, but I first realized that long ago. I've always been there, always at his side, but he never even cared. He's never bothered to return any nice favour I've done for him. Heck, he barely even remembers to greet me any more.<p>

I can't count the amount of times Eric has gotten me grounded, in trouble with the law, and nearly killed! He's screwed me over more than anyone else but I can't help but always go along with everything he says. Because he wants me to do these things and so help me I would do anything for him if he wanted me to. No questions asked.

Maybe I'm a pushover, a suck-up, naïve but there's more to it than that. I- I- I'm in love with Eric Cartman. But if my parents heard that they'd ground me for sure. And Eric would- well he'd call me a fag and all the other fellas at school would laugh at me for sure. And I would hurt Kenny. Oh Jesus, I couldn't hurt Ken.

But I can't keep my heart in its place. Eric really is a great guy if you get to know him. He's awful handsome, I don't care if he is big boned, truly I don't! And he's sweet deep down too, though he doesn't show it a darn lot. Well I remember when we both thought he was dead and he went 'round apologizing to everyone for everything bad he did! I mean sure he got mad at me afterwards but I s'pose it was my fault for tellin' him he was a ghost after all.

No, I have to keep myself in line. I need to forget Eric because he's no good for me, right? But- but, oh hamburgers, I can't stop myself from loving him, even if I know I'll just get hurt.

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><p><strong>Stan<strong>

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><p>Kyle is my super best friend. That's all we are and that's all I want.<p>

I mean, sure I got drunk more than a few times and confessed that I loved him each and every one of those outings when I was under the influence but that was obviously just the alcohol talking, right? Couldn't possibly have actually meant anything right?

So it was obviously just the over-indulgence of beer coursing through my blood that also made me kiss him that night. That night when Wendy broke up with me and I drank until I was wasted to near intoxicating levels, to the point where Kyle had to hold me up while I vomited up my stomach's contents into the bar's toilet. A pretty image, I know.

"Dude, you deserve better than Wendy, she's just some dumb whore; you'll get over her. C'mon there's plenty more fish in the sea and anyone in their right mind would never let you go," he had tried to be of some comfort while I was collapsing in fits of tears. Just like any super best friend would. He'd had to force me off the endless supply of drinks I was ordering as if it was going out of style by that point.

I don't remember how it happened but despite the haziness of the hollow buzz I felt at the time I can still picture the moment so clearly it's like replaying a video clip in my head. One second I'm sniffling over my ex-girlfriend and the next I'm pressing my lips against his. But he isn't responding. And I pull away and he sighs, "Let's get you home man, I think you've had too much to drink for today"

And the next thing I knew I was lying in my bed the next morning. But it was just the hangover that made me feel like shit, not the fact that I had realized Kyle had rejected me. We have never spoken about it since, but I must admit that it still burns fresh in my mind like it happened yesterday and not several months ago. That doesn't mean that it means anything to me though, right? I was drunk and emotional, Kyle understood that it wasn't serious, so why can't I seem to fully wrap _my_ head around it?

We're just friends. Nothing more. Nothing less. And that's all we'll ever be.

Super. Best. Friends.

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><p><strong>Kenny<strong>

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><p>"I love you, you know?" I was pretty familiar with these words by now. Well I was familiar with saying them at least, not so much hearing them. But that's okay, because I was happy just being around the recipient of my feelings. Or at least, I acted like I was.<p>

Because I know that my boyfriend, the boy I love so dearly, the boy named Butters, doesn't return my feelings. I know he doesn't like me that way, albeit I can see how much he tries to make me believe as much. He wants me to be happy just as much I wish happiness to him.

But there's no hiding the fact that every time he sees Cartman his eyes seem to twinkle and his voice gains an enthusiasm that seems only reserved for that moronic fatass. It's obvious that Butters would rather hang around with Cartman than me, that he would rather be dating him than me. But he's stuck with me because that fat lump can't appreciate a good thing even when its hanging off his arm half the time.

And it hurts every time I watch them together. It's not so much jealousy that gnaws at the pit of my stomach but inadequacy. I'd never be good enough for Butters, he was so adorable and innocent and full of infinite kindness. No other person could ever hope to match the level of perfection I deemed him with. And who was I? A poor, beaten-up, unstable kid from the bad side of town. I don't even know why he agreed to be my boyfriend in the first place.

So maybe I don't deserve Butters, I'll own up to that, but there is no way on this planet that Cartman does either.

Anger.

That's another emotion I'm familiar with. Not that you'd ever see the level or resentment and silent fury I hold for that fat racist prick. The way he treats Butters riles me up so much! It takes serious self-control not to punch his lights out every time he insults the sweet blond boy who has stolen my heart.

How dare he just toss such a pure angel aside?!

But I hold myself off, calm myself down, and restrain my fists instead of releasing my rage down upon him. Because I made a promise to Butters; I would never hurt that little innocent blond in any way, shape or form. And I know he would be hurt if Cartman felt pain, as deserving as he was of it.

Yes, I know I'm hanging on to a relationship that's clearly one sided, selfish and hopeless as it may be of me, but it's nice to pretend that maybe Butters could one day love me back if I just stick by him long enough.


End file.
